02 October 2006

"It's Not Me, It's You."

Tehra heard those sentiments a year ago from an ex—and she immediately couldn’t wait until she could use it on someone. Well, you're not exactly someone, dear celery—but you are something—something that is worthy of dislike, disgust, and just plain ole "dis-ing."

Though Tehra’s little brother loved you enough to name a cat after you—we do not have the same sentiments. This blog humbly began in the (appropriately humble) Barragan’s Restaurant & Bar on Wednesday night, when they have margaritas for $2.25. One of our party foolishly ordered a Bloody Mary—NOT we might add a bargain drink on Wednesdays—and Rachel commiserated with our friend Jenni over the inexcusable presence of celery in that particular libation. Tehra joined in the complaining with a vengeance, and so the conclusion was reached that no food should ever, ever include more than 5% celery (and that only if essential). It is a vile food, both nasty-tasting and stringy, and it cannot be disguised even by appealing fillings such as peanut butter and raisins (really, wouldn’t “Ants on a Log” taste better without the LOG?). Otherwise-commendable, vegetable juice is rendered undrinkable by that unmistakably rancid eau de celery. And people who lust for its anti-caloric qualities, you’ve obviously got the wrong idea about the purpose of eating.

Yes, mirepoix would not exist without celery. But we propose that rather than the 25% carrot/25% celery/50% onion classical ratio, we whittle the celery down to 5% max. We also have a bunch of other propositions, which as of now aren’t exactly clear, but will be as we happily blog along in the worlds of fashion, food, and general frivolity. Welcome to 5% Celery, where celery is not the only thing we would like to excommunicate—but we're willing to start there.
Celery-less Bloody Mary (don't say that three times in the
mirror...we warned you.)

46 ounce can tomato juice
4 ounces
fresh squeezed lemon juice
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
Sea Salt
Freshly ground pepper
1 1/2 ounces vodka per serving
20 ice cubes
10 thin slices lemon

Combine the tomato juice, lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, salt and pepper. Stir to mix well. Pour into
container and refrigerate until thoroughly chilled. Put 2 ice cubes in each 8-ounce glass; add 1 1/2 ounces vodka and 5 ounces tomato-juice mixture. Garnish with a slice of lemon. Voila--drink and enjoy. Drink more, enjoy even more.


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Blogger violations bureau said...

one time when i ordered a hpnotiq it came with a celery stalk in it and i said AWWWWWW HELL NO. SEND IT BACK.

i propose we add links to each others' blogs in our blogs


04 October, 2006 15:46  
Blogger Michele said...

I am extremely allergic to celery. I think it should be banned forever.

05 October, 2006 13:16  
Blogger 5%C. said...

Wow. Only up for a few days and there is a lot of celery haters that shown us love! And BTW violationsbureau.net is one of my favorite blogs--it's on my "favorites" list indeed.


05 October, 2006 16:48  
Anonymous Seth said...

Little brother here...just confirming that I did indeed name my cat Celery.

BTW, I'm diggin the site. :P

05 October, 2006 22:57  

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