Ain't No Celery at the 5%C Thanksgiving Table

So, inspired by fabulous blogs like LAist, I'm making a list of things I'm thankful for at this very moment. I don't know why anyone cares about this type of thing, since what I'm thankful for very likely has nothing to do with you, but everyone else is doing it (even Perez, in his way), so it must be cool (right?). I will even try to make it relevant to 5%C by including fabulous foods and fashions. Not difficult. OKAY.

RR is all like "THANKS" about some stuff including these things:

• Schizophrenic fall weather that lets you wear little skirts or big sweaters
• The advent of holiday baking season!
• Clifton's Cafeteria in downtown L.A. with all the old people and the weird forest dioramas
• Beautiful old postcards
• LOLcats
• These Prada shoes
• My new job
• Our cat learning to use his scratching post
• Mezzanine Owls' upcoming record
• Project Runway
• Persimmons
• Gloves with fur trim
• Animals with fur trim
• Babies dressed like animals
• Not having any babies
• Wooly tights (Hue and DKNY make great ones for stingy girls like me)
• Establishments that let me stay stingy: The 99 Cents Only store, taco stands, Thank You Mart
• All the new movies I actually want to see
• The fabulous Louise Brooks
• The fact that I didn't succumb to the iPhone craze, since now there's a Google phone in development
• And...I am thankful for today's being notably full of food, as I am currently starrrrving.

On that note, I'm audi (oh, & of course I am thankful, as always, for Clueless).

> r r <

5% Celery Granola

I was checking through blogpatrol.com and noticed several links to 5% Celery from an archive in Chocolate & Zucchini. Upon further investigation, it seems my cohort has given away our secret recipe for our granola. Since that part was given up, I thought it would be kind and generous to give up the rest of it. Now, there are measurements written somewhere, but I am a professional chef, and I cook according to taste. I do not have the exact measurements, so do me a favor--play a little. Put a little of this and a little of that...if it tasts good before it is baked, then it will taste amazing after it has been. Also, know that it will be less sweet once baked, so if you find it pleasingly sweetened before, you might find it a bit less so out of the oven.

5% Celery Granola:

2 C Oats

1/2 C Pepitas (salted is fabulous)

1/2 C Sunflower Seeds

1/2 C Almond Slivers

1/2 C Dried Currants

1/2 C Dried Cramberries

1/4 C Flax Seeds

1/4 C Melted Butter

1/4-1/2 C Agave

1/4-1/2 C Honey

2 tsp Vanilla Paste or 1 tsp Vanilla Extract

pinch of salt

Preheat Oven to 350 F and line a baking sheet with a Silpat.

Melt the butter and add in the honey, agave, salt, and vanilla. Mix well and put aside to cool.

Take the oats, sunflower seeds, almonds and pepitas and put in a large bowl. Pour cooled butter and agave mixture over and mix well.

Put on baking sheet and spread out evenly. Bake for 15 minutes and take out and mix the edges toward the center and mix in the currants and cranberries and put back into oven and bake until it is golden brown.

Once cool mix in flax seeds and enjoy in a smoothie, with milk or on a hike in Colorado where the real "granola girls" roam.

.:tt:. and >rr<

Meme, Meme, Meme...

We were tagged. THIS apparently is a good thing. We are not rude at 5%Celery, in fact we are quite generous--but this was a little bit difficult to bring ourselves to participate in. I mean, we love the free advertisement it brought (thanks Foodette!) and it's not like we don't like talking about ourselves. So we decided to participate like the gracious hosts we are. So with no further ado, the seven things we most would like you to know are:

1) .:tt:. was scolded as a child for being too thin. It was proposed that she was anorexic. She finally confessed one day it is because her mother was a bad cook. It turns out a lot of chefs learned to cook because their mothers couldn't.

2) >rr< has a serious case of chef wannabe-ism. She devours (ha, ha) all those chef-memoir-&-recipe books (see: Ruth Reichl, Anthony Bourdain, Jamie Oliver, et al), keeps mental to-do lists composed entirely of restaurants to go to, and feels like a bad person because she only actually cooks a few days a week. However, while >rr< is only a wannabe in the food department (perhaps because her mother and stepmother are actually quite talented cooks), .:tt:. is not only a real chef but also a total pro when it comes to looking permanently stylin'.

3) .:tt:. is (usually) single (depends on who's asking) and >rr< is not, and can barely remember having ever been.

4) >rr< got her start in fashion by cutting up thrift-store tee shirts, reconstructing them and selling them on the internet. True story.

5) 5% Celery really did start over several margaritas and a lively conversation with friends about how the world needs less celery...it's true. And yes, our conversations are ALWAYS that deep.

6) If on a deserted island .:tt:. would take: Her computer (with a wireless connection, bien sur), a Brent Black Panama hat, Eric Ripert's cookbook, A Return to Cooking and Ryan Gosling.

7) >rr< would bring the entire Marni collection, Neutrogena Sheer Mist sunscreen for her blindingly pale skin, and a copy of Infinite Jest (no, not because it sounds clever, but because it's really good and really, really long--by the time she was done, she could start it all over again and have forgotten the beginning). She'd also steal .:tt:.'s internet connection to read Go Fug Yourself daily. And she wouldn't need food...that's what her co-blogger is for.

Now, we would like to tag the following bloggers:

Ana Calderon of Ana Says these Things
Leah and Zulu of The Charming Life of Zulu
Pomotrash of Black Candy Modernism
k.cooper-kordylewski of Hoping For Happy Accidents
jt and cn of Violations Bureau
Sam and Fred of Becks and Posh Nosh
Perez at Perez Hilton

Apparently the rules are to let the person that has been tagged know it. Okay...we will.

.:tt:. and >rr<

Apple

I just started a food writing thing. (note to self, "thing" is not a descriptor).




So I'm posting my first...um...thing.

About an Apple

An apple crisp in my mouth is as satisfying as any steak. My teeth bite through the flesh and the fruit gives way to juice and meal. Held in my hand, I eat hurriedly and worry I might bite a thumb or finger as I work my way around the sphere.

I prefer apples brought to room temperature, neither hot nor cold as to not scour my teeth—I like to keep myself out of it when I’m eating. A good piece of fruit, a vegetable rich in flavor, or a piece of meat cooked to perfection will transport this diner beyond her physical self. This can cause problems as she would like to stay there—but alas her belly fills to the brim and her body cries to come back.

I come back and find one more bite left; I'll make it fit. The last bite is not as good as the first, for I’ve already satiated my urges, but the juice of the last bite drips down my chin and catches the eye of my dining partner. He steps forward to help and whisks me up in a deep, fruity kiss, satisfying both of my appetites.

.:tt:.

EEW Number Two

Celery STRAWS!

Soon, they are going to start engineering celery forks, celery plates, and celery couches!

How are we going to keep up our promise of 5% Celery >rr<, how?

.:tt:.

Ew, Ew, Ew...

CELERY Jell-O?

And someone paid $11.00 for it!?!?

EBAY Link.

What would YOU make with it? Let us know. Whomever comes up with the best idea, DOESN'T get a box of this s*&^t.

.:tt:.

Top Chef, Season 3 and Top Chef All Stars

I’m going to kill two birds with one stone; take it all in one bite. Top Chef and Top Chef All Stars aired at the same time in my household, since Tivo is my life’s source.

As you must know by now, Dave (from season one) is one of my dear friends, and so of course I was rooting for his team. I recently visited Dave in NYC where he is there opening a restaurant (UPDATE: he is working on a new project, all very hush, hush—will inform you as I know details) and he was stopped on every street corner. People LOVE Top Chef! And best of all, people love Dave. He is a good guy, and wildly funny—so the editing and the pressure from the Top Chef execs was at play in the building of his personality. He knew going in that he was, “the gay one.” He also knew without saying, he was the “funny one” too.

That and the drive to win and the other difficult personalities make for great TV. Otherwise would we all watch?

Season one-ers have all made nice; even Tiff and Dave. Stephen, turns out, is a really nice guy. Harold is dealing with a lot of pressure trying to open his restaurant. Life after Top Chef is not wine and roses folks. Suddenly a sous is catapulted to a fame that he/she didn’t expect and knows that this is the opportunity to make something out of him/herself. Every chef is aware that we can’t work as hard as we do in our 20’s and 30’s so it is important to find a source of income that will sustain us into our retirement age. We are all looking for that golden egg, and Top Chef will be that egg for some.

Now on to season three. I’m impressed with the cast this season; they all look like good cooks. I think Tom (as in Colicchio) may have had a hand in it…something like, “you cast another season like season two and I’m not coming back!”


He’s back—they all are; Padma and Anthony and the like. And the token gay is back, the asshole and the hot girl are all in residence. My favorite is the token “tall guy”, CJ—I’ve worked with him in the kitchen and he is good. And a total babe to boot—and last I knew girls, he is single (or at least I hope he was…)

The opening was fabulous on TC—they messed with ‘em real good, but does anyone else feel like TC should be sitting suicide watch? I must admit that my soft side has been a little worried about Clay. I hope he is well, and knows that being judged on Top Chef is not the same as being judged in the kitchen—I’m sure he is a fine chef, and years ahead of him to prove it.

.:tt:.

This Is Why, I'm a Chef

Because I'm the sane one in a world of crazies like this guy:



(click on picture to find out why.)

.:tt:.

It's That Time of the Month.

I once heard a fabulous minister tie in three moments in time that seemingly had nothing to do with one another; it was nothing short of brilliant. He took the record-breaking number of deaths in Iraq (that happened to fall that week), the murder-suicide at Virginia Tech, and the profound rains NYC saw one week before the sermon. Seemingly these were all random moments in time that had a profound negative effect--but had nothing to do with one another other than the fact that they were all big bummers (not a direct quote btw).

The sermon was not about the list of three, but about willfull ignorance. Those three things are happening because of actions (or in this case, inaction) that we have taken.

So let's see if you can find the pattern in these three things:

1) Rachael Ray's publicist wrote 5%Celery to ask us about advertising a new product.
2) Kombucha Wonder Drink wrote us and asked the same.
3) Someone googled "celery of an accountant" and found 5%Celery.

If this were a game show I would introduce the segment with, "things that are stupid."

Has Rachael Ray's publicist read these pages? The request is for a new phone service that she will offer--you can get Rachael Ray ring tone that says, "Yummo!" when your favorite aunt calls. Furthermore you can get recipes for "stoup" and "sammies" right on your phone! Imagine the possibilities! You'll be the hit of any store that you happen to be in at the moment Rachael rings in with "Yummo".

Kombucha Wonder Drink was the brand that we DIDN'T recommend. I actually have never had Kombucha Wonder Drink. Maybe I would like it--but the issue is that I've never even seen the product on the shelves. Maybe they should work on stocking it and not worry about marketing a product I can't seem to locate.

And what does "celery of an accountant mean"? It is a similar mistake my 5 year old, money driven, brother made.

"Seth, what is your cat's name?"

"Celery because I want to make a lot of money when I grow up..."

It took me a few moments to realize that he meant SALARY.

I'm curious, how much celery does an accountant make?

.:tt:.

Woah

For those of you that came out to see 5% Celery's lesser half at BLOOM cafe--that was amazing! I mean really, do you know that I alone brought in 60 peeps (we did 95 covers!)! In that little tiny cafe. For Vietnamese food! Impressive.

Thank you so much--I mean really...

Bloom Cafe is a great place to be--everyone is so helpful and you can practice your french! They really were all great professionals and sweet people and fun--I think all restaurants should work that way. Check it out.

And another place that Im not sure I have mentioned is Lou wine bar in Hollywood--my friend DJ Olsen is the chef--and it is really great.

Okay, that's enough for one day--i've gotta go to work!

.:tt:.

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are...

God Does Exist, Per Banana (and not the Ana Calderon kind)

...though the Ana kind may also prove God exists, some of you who don't know her, must put your faith in this:

(and yes, that is KIRK CAMERON)

.:tt:.

Bloom Cafe, A Review

I met my friend Jason at Bloom Cafe--this "lovely" new spot he insisted on taking me. He had taken me to Luna Park and Lou Wine Bar--and both were big hits, so I knew it would be a good one.

We met for brunch on Wednesday, and as it was cold outside, I had a cup of coffee. I wanted to have the Mint Lemonade they were offering, but I couldn't bear the ice in my throat.

He had lunch; a vegetarian sandwich that came with shoestring frites that melt on your tongue. When I ask for mayo for my fries they one up'ed me and brought aioli! My heart is aflutter.

I had a hard time picking between the lemon ricotta pancakes (I have still never had them!!) and the chorizo omelets. I got the omelets--bummer. It was fine. No, that's not true. It was bland. I don't like cooked bell peppers. I don't like rubber for eggs. I mean, what does it take to get good eggs in this town?

That aside, the salad, potatoes and toast were all quite nice. The coffee was nice too--and it is hard to get a good cup of coffee in LA LA.

Though it is true, I'm trash talking the eggs--I must say that the menu and the service and the owners were all quite impressive. What was even more impressive was the offer for me to be the featured chef for the night. I'm excited to talk with them about it. So look for me there. And go by and enjoy the bloom.


★★★

Sidebar

Top 10 best keyword searches that led to finding 5%Celery:

10) Tehra Thorp
9) Birdie Bell
8) Tinsley Mortimer
7) Padma SCORPIO
8) Contaiminated Celery
6) Study celery makes you more attractive
5) Top Chef
4) Chocolate and Zucchini
3) Sexy wives
2) Vietnames Soy Cafe Hyperion
1) "Birdie Bell" ass

FABULOUS. Keep on searchin--we'll find you.

.:tt:.

Christmas Progress

I’m in Houston, Texas visiting my aunt and uncle and two cousins in a food-filled, happy house, on a street lined with some of the trees of which Houston must be famous. Tale after tale of our childhood; my cousin Ryan’s amazing ability to file information away and if asked to recall a conversation in 1984 he can quote us verbatim; stories of my precocious ways—once being told to tell the flight attendant that I was two so that I could fly for free and insisting that I could not do that for I was “three”—an honesty I must have inherited, but much to my mother’s dismay; and fable of my now very svelte cousin Lauren’s inability to control her eating habits as a child resulted in pockets of cookies, doughnuts, and pies gathering around her midriff.

This year I was invited to join in on a tradition that was developed 10 years ago in this family; a progressive dinner with friends.

It’s really a great concept—it not only gather’s friends together, but it also takes the pressure off of each family, as it is much easier to cook one course rather than three! The idea is that three families decided who will cook what: course one, appetizers; course two, main; course three, dessert. Each course is to happen at each family’s house. This results in more food and drink than should be consumed by one human being—but that results in much happiness.

This year they were disappointed to inform me that one of their beloved has moved away from Houston and so now there were only two houses, which complicated things a bit.

I found the tradition most brilliant, and intend on starting a progressive meal as soon as I arrive back on dry land (this humidity is doing wonders for my hair by the way).

I will leave you today with the menu of our Christmas; I hope yours was as happy and full as mine.

First course prepared by Patty (with cocktails provided by Neal, her husband):

Champagne with a splash of Cranberry Juice for color

Emeril Lagasse’s Crab Dip
Southwestern Cheese Dip

Second Course prepared by my aunt, Andrea (wine chosen by my uncle, Bill—a.k.a. “Billy-the-Kid” :

2003 Pavillion Rouge du Chateau Margaux

Beef Tenderloin with Horseradish Crème Fraiche
Jalapeno Potatoes au Gratin
Ina Garten’s Green Beans with Caramelized Shallots
Green Salad with Candied Pecans, Blue Cheese, Green Onions and Champagne Vinaigrette

Dessert Course also prepared by Patty and her daughter Virginia:

Cheesecake
Peppermint Brownies
Chocolate Biscotti

.:tt:.

Holiday Veers.

It's not that I don't care. It's not that you aren't my favorite people in the world. It's that I care more about money than you.

I've been away, caring for my catering company. As it is the hap, hap, happiest time of the year--I'm spreading my Christmas cheer (see that? It's called "Dr Seussing it Up" in the business. It's how we make excuses, but use rhyme to seem charming and friendly--this way you'll want to be my friend even though I'm just jerking you around). Hey no jeers...

Anywhoo, I'm busy. Isn't that queer?

Food For Thought:

Menu For Hope Fundraiser

.:tt:.

Brit-O-Lantern, et. al.

WHY I LOVE AMERICA
by Rachy Rach

OK, so, the really great thing in this country is that we have so many holidays that are, like, not all religiously oriented and biased and rooted in materialism and whatever. Like Martin Luther King Day, which was created to celebrate diversity, or Thanksgiving, which has been around for at least a hundred years and is purely a time for family togetherness and old-fashioned home cooking. And Easter too--bunnies, arts and crafts, plain old fun.

Not to mention Halloween! Halloween is an occasion for wholesome, fun quality time, dressing up and carving pumpkins. It's probably the least corrupted, vulgar, commercialized thing you could come up with! Good job USA. Halloween has already improved my daily life this week, or at least one day of it. We invited all our friends over on Thursday and told them to bring a pumpkin and we would provide knives (safe ones) and fun for the whole family. And we carved the pumpkins and made a killer collection of jack-o-lanterns!


Seriously it was SO FUN. People got way into it and the air was full of pumpkin smell and you could really tell that everyone's creative juices were flowing, which I have to say made us kind of proud because it's always good to help stimulate people's minds and make them step out of the box a little bit. And they really crossed that line:



There's a koala my friend carved, and then Britney Spears which I made. That Britney did not look so hot after I carved her, believe me, and I was all worried that it looked more like "Britney shot in the face" as one of my friends said. But the we lit it up and honestly it looks SO good! Ha ha I showed them. It's cool because both koalas and Britney are cute and happy, and I think probably really fun in real life. I only wish we'd had a Kevin Federline stencil to go with Britney because HOW CUTE WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN.

Anyway I just want to encourage everyone to partake in this American tradition and enjoy some time with your family and friends. Also be sure to include any foreigners you might know--we invited our Finnish friend who seriously didn't even know where pumpkins come from, and now she can feel like she fits better into society here.

ALSO, I'm super excited because when I was thinking about this post, I was wishing that I had this recipe for pumpkin pot de creme that I cut out and then could never find again. And then--no joke--I found it on my desk here at my parent's house where I am for the weekend to celebrate my grandmother's birthday! I can't believe it after a whole year it was here at the exact right time. I love that.

Pumpkin Pots de Creme with Amaretti-Ginger Crunch

1 cup canned pumpkin puree
3 cups heavy cream (whoa)
1 vanilla bean, split lengthwise
8 egg yoks
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1/4 tsp. ground cinnamon (optional) (but not really since cinnamon is delicious)
1/8 tsp. ground nutmeg (optional) (see above)
2/3 cup crumbled amaretti cookies
1 Tbsp. finely chopped crystallized ginger

1. In a heavy saucepan over medium heat, bring pumpkin, cream and vanilla bean to a boil; set aside for 15 min., then remove vanilla bean. In a medium metal bowl or the top of a double boiler, combine egg yoks and sugar. Place bowl over a pot of barely simmering water. Whisk constantly until mixture forms a ribbon when you lift the whisk (about 6-8 min.). Be careful not to overheat, or egg mixture could curdle.
2. Whisk in hot pumpkin mixture, and cook over medium heat, whisking often, until mixture has consistency of thick cream (40-50 min.). Mixture should gently steam; be careful not to overheat. Add cinnamon and nutmeg, if using, and mix well. Strain into a pitcher or a bowl with a pouring lip.
3. Divide mixture among 10 to 12 teacups, ramekins or custard cups. Refrigerate at least 4 hours or up to 2 days. Just before serving, combine amaretti crumbs & ginger, and sprinkle on top of each dessert.

The Interview, Part I

I’ve learned that a blog isn’t a real blog until it has at least one interview posted. In order to keep up with the Jones's and do some cookbook name dropping (Amy Sedairs’s book I Like You), I’ve (Tehra Tehrason) decided to use these questions to interview a real life chef. The gracious, Tehra Thorp (or me), has agreed to answer my questions as I (Tehra) sit down with her (me) over a cup of tea (vodka).

Q: I’d like to set the tone a bit before I break into the real meat of the matter (so to speak); why did you become a chef?

A: The answer I give everyone is that my mother couldn’t cook—but I didn’t learn to cook until long after, I think I became a chef out of desperation. I was hungry—in more ways than one.

Q: What is the best thing about being a chef?

A: Impressing the boys.

Q: The next series of questions come from Amy Sedaris in her new book, “I like you” available at The Cooks Library in Los Angeles:

• “Does the sun make noise?”
• “Do you tip a cobbler?”
• “How do you teach hope?”

A: Yes, the sun makes noise. Yes, tip the cobbler but only at Christmas. And finally, Hope is not something you can teach. It’s something you buy, “hope in a jar” I think it's called. So go out and get yours today.

Q: Wow, you really know a lot Tehra (me). This is turning out to be a terrific interview.

A: Thanks. You’re a pretty good interviewer Tehra (me).

Q: This next series of questions come from some dude, named Proust. He asks the tough questions, hard hitting journalism.

• What do you consider the depths of despair?
• Your favorite occupation?
• Who would you have liked to be?
• Do you know how to do the funky chicken?

I think that last one…well, maybe it…not sure. I think maybe that last question is from Amy Sedaris. We’ll leave it in for arguments sake.

A: The depths of despair happen when I finish a book and have nothing on the night table to read. My favorite occupation is sitting and talking about how great of a chef I am. I would have liked to be Mrs. Clause; she married well. I do know how to do the funky chicken and many other dance moves that involve food; i.e. “fry like bacon”.

Q: Red or White?

A: Pink

Q: Chocolate or Vanilla?

A: Chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream.

Q: Still or bubbly?

A: Since when is champagne still?

Q: Here is your soapbox. Tell me (Tehra) what are your (my) food related pet peeves?

A: I HATE it when people use utensils improperly. (I also hate it when people use adverbs wrong too). I like my red a little cold and my white room temperature. Flavors are best tasted at room temperature. Show me a person that likes lukewarm food and I’ll show you a real gourmand.

Stay tuned, next week an interview with the other co-founder, the beautiful and tres fashionable Rachel Racherson will answer some tough questions that she will ask herself.

Amy Sedairs’s book, I Like You is available at The Cook's Library. Please call the helpful folks Alan, Tim, Amy or CP and they will be sure to show you this book and several others that will drain your wallet and keep you from making rent.

tt

"It's Not Me, It's You."

Tehra heard those sentiments a year ago from an ex—and she immediately couldn’t wait until she could use it on someone. Well, you're not exactly someone, dear celery—but you are something—something that is worthy of dislike, disgust, and just plain ole "dis-ing."

Though Tehra’s little brother loved you enough to name a cat after you—we do not have the same sentiments. This blog humbly began in the (appropriately humble) Barragan’s Restaurant & Bar on Wednesday night, when they have margaritas for $2.25. One of our party foolishly ordered a Bloody Mary—NOT we might add a bargain drink on Wednesdays—and Rachel commiserated with our friend Jenni over the inexcusable presence of celery in that particular libation. Tehra joined in the complaining with a vengeance, and so the conclusion was reached that no food should ever, ever include more than 5% celery (and that only if essential). It is a vile food, both nasty-tasting and stringy, and it cannot be disguised even by appealing fillings such as peanut butter and raisins (really, wouldn’t “Ants on a Log” taste better without the LOG?). Otherwise-commendable, vegetable juice is rendered undrinkable by that unmistakably rancid eau de celery. And people who lust for its anti-caloric qualities, you’ve obviously got the wrong idea about the purpose of eating.

Yes, mirepoix would not exist without celery. But we propose that rather than the 25% carrot/25% celery/50% onion classical ratio, we whittle the celery down to 5% max. We also have a bunch of other propositions, which as of now aren’t exactly clear, but will be as we happily blog along in the worlds of fashion, food, and general frivolity. Welcome to 5% Celery, where celery is not the only thing we would like to excommunicate—but we're willing to start there.

Celery-less Bloody Mary (don't say that three times in the
mirror...we warned you.)

46 ounce can tomato juice
4 ounces
fresh squeezed lemon juice
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
Sea Salt
Freshly ground pepper
1 1/2 ounces vodka per serving
20 ice cubes
10 thin slices lemon

Combine the tomato juice, lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, salt and pepper. Stir to mix well. Pour into
container and refrigerate until thoroughly chilled. Put 2 ice cubes in each 8-ounce glass; add 1 1/2 ounces vodka and 5 ounces tomato-juice mixture. Garnish with a slice of lemon. Voila--drink and enjoy. Drink more, enjoy even more.

rr/tt