11 October 2006

"Viva La Revolution!" Said the Celery

In the wake of the food supply contamination conspiracy being conspired by (presumably) arugula farmers, I think it might be a good idea to explain some common ailments that food can [ahem] bring to the table:

Salmonella (not the color, though as I’m sure my better half would agree salmon is a difficult color to wear and may cause one to look diseased) is a bacterial infection most often caused by poultry, specifically chicken. It was explained in culinary school that it is not the problem of the actual chicken, but it is the problem of the government sanctioned “fecal water” that is used to [ahem] (excuse me—I have a cough) “clean” the chicken. Apparently there is no rule as to how many times this water must be changed and that the disease is actually spread amongst the flock via this vile liquid. To avoid: Cook chicken to 160 degrees F and let sit for 10 minutes out of the oven.

E. coli is the Salmonella of the bovine community. It lives in the intestines of the foresaid animal and is only spread to the meat if the butcher does a poor job fabricating the animal. That your spinach supply was contaminated with E. coli is not because spinach has developed an intestinal tract, but because some hippie decided it was a good idea to use poo to plump (so to speak) the dirt that the said spinach was growing in. Now the truth is that there was a lack of news the week that spinach got a bad rap—and CNN kind of went a little crazy. Apparently this law that was passed in the Congress that allows citizens to be tried in a military court without cause was not enough to for alarm. Spinach that poops—now that’s hard hitting news. To avoid: Don’t buy spinach that poops and eat beef that has been butchered by someone you trust—like an uncle or Santa Clause.

Botulism occurs when someone is trying to be thrifty and agrees to buy a dented can from the market at a fraction of the cost (usually 10% off). To avoid: Don’t be cheap.

I hope you find the above information helpful. In the event that you become contaminated with FBI (food borne illness) go to the ER (emergency room) and take the contaminated food with you. It also helps if you take the time to bake some cookies before you go for the desk nurse, so that you may get in to see a doctor more quickly.

Let me also say that it is more likely you will die of a heart attack from all of the red meat or lack of fiber (that you may find, oh I dunno, say in spinach) in your diet than from an FBI. Actually I think it is probably more likely you will die via the FBI than a FBI. Good luck out there--I think the carrots seem a little hostile these days.



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