16 November 2006

My Prom Date Was Six Years Younger Than I


OK, so I was planning on keeping this completely to myself, since the prom isn't exactly most twentysomethings' idea of a good time. However, now that it's over, I'm having trouble keeping the absurdity all to myself. Until a month or so ago, I thought I'd left Jessica McClintock behind long ago. How very naive I was then. Apparently, those models you see in prom photo spreads aren't necessarily in high school. Apparently, one way of finding them is scouting at my fashion design school. Thanks to that, apparently, thousands of high school girls will now get the impression that I too am seventeen, and that They Too Can Get That Promtastic Retro Look With Textured Updo and Heels by Steve Madden. They will get this impression when, come February, the website goes up with all kinds of prom-a-licious info. Tips on how to keep your panty lines invisible, your lipstick perfect, your stomach flat, and god knows what else, all while seducing the pimpled crack-voiced boy of your dreams.

Anyway, in addition to the whole age thing (though actually not everyone in the shoot was as ancient as I. The perfectly shaggy-haired guy posing as my date, who wants to be an actor eventually, asked me "Are you in high school too?" and then practically had a heard attack when I admitted I'd graduated college), there are a few other secrets I can now reveal to you about prom fashion spreads. Contrary to popular belief, they're not actually at prom!!! They're in a big studio on a deserted street just west of the 405! Also, you in no way could ever Do This Look At Home. It took a stylist to put the clothes together, a dresser to put us into them, two hairdressers to do magic, and two makeup artists to layer on the paint. I think I probably gained at least a pound just from the layers of products on my face (though, to be fair, I completely want that MAC Lychee Luxe lip gloss now...). Beyond those behind-the-scenes gems, I also have a suspicion that the shoot director has way more fun than the models. I mean, it must be pretty fun to mess with everyone for 10 hours in a row. A rough recap, from Director Madeline's P.O.V.:

Hi Rachy Rach! Oh, great, head on in to get your first look on. This is going to be so great. [Ha, wait til you see the size of the dress you're wearing, sucker.] Awesome, that miniscule dress with the corset looks great. You can't breathe at all? Your ribs will heal eventually, no prob. Just go sit over there and make conversation with your prom date, who's currently wearing a skintight tee shirt reading "Laugh So I Can See 'Em Bounce." You can't bend at the waist? Whatevs, just stand there perfectly still and don't touch your face or else your eight shades of eyeshadow might run into each other. I really like that look--it's so, like, 20s. Or 40s? Whatever, all "retro" goes together. And those 4-ince jeweled sandals are sooo classic. And wow, they totally make you taller than your date--just like high school, huh? Hahaha, like, how touche! Whoa, are you thinking of drinking that coffee? Not with that luscious layer of lip gloss on, sweetie. Oh and don't yawn either, obviously. Say, check out this super high-tech iPod dock in the WALL! How cool is THAT? Hope you like hip hop--I have a BANGIN' playlist set up. There are only like 6 songs on it, but they're all really good. I like to keep everyone in the mood to DANCE for a shoot like this. OK, you're up--go! go! You're dancing, you're dancing! OK, now gaze at your date--no no, less smile, more dramatic! Hold that expression until you're crosseyed and can't feel your lips, OK? Now look past him, like you're flirting with another cute boy! Or like you see your friend! Oh, the way you kicked up your heel for like half a second was perfect--do it again, yeah, OK, now hold it for the camera! Oh man, I love making you stand on one foot trying to balance on a tiny stiletto heel for seven minutes straight! And telling you to hold a pose that, by definition, can't be held because it's a movement! AHAHAHA I'M SO TRICKY! Great, great, get off and wait for the next one. Change every piece of clothing and eighteen pieces of jewelry and hair combs that you're wearing. Whoops, actually we switched up the order! You didn't need to put on all that stuff and lace up your mile-long satin gloves and your ankle-tie heels, because actually we need you to take it all off and put on this trapeze dress that is bright white and impossible not to get makeup on when you put it over your head! Now get ready and stand by the set for twenty minutes while we fix the camera. Oh, my bad, why don't you just take a lunch break, which you totally could have done for the past twenty minutes. There are some really fabulous BBQ wings there and I know you haven't eaten in six hours. Shoot, no, scratch that--you can't eat anything sloppy. That dress is VERY EXPENSIVE. I.e. worth many times more money than we're paying you, so it takes precedence. God, I totally love Justim Timberlake soooo much. Good thing SexyBack is on the playlist 9 times in a row!

Prom '07, never forget the memories!!!!

> r r <

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3 Comments:

Anonymous erin said...

this was very funny, rachy rach.

16 November, 2006 08:01  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are fucking hilarious... thank you.

16 November, 2006 16:26  
Blogger Bronwyn said...

Oh man, I hope we can see the prom photos when they come out!

16 November, 2006 21:38  

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