Top Chef Episode 3 or "Why Oh Why Are They Doing This to Me?"

Oh Jesus, where do I start? I mean really! This episode made me feel like I had three margaritas--my head was spinning (and I only had two!). I mean, did I take a stupid pill or was I watching “poor, white trash trying desperately to get ratings and advertising Top Chef”?

I spoke with a good friend of mine yesterday and he asked me about the origin of the name of this blog. As Rachel Racherson and I have posted the reason for the origin, I could only conclude that my “good friend” had not read my blog. So I read every entry to him. After I finished he said, “so ‘5% Celery’ is new slang for ‘things I hate and listen to my rant’”? Yes, yes you got it!

But then I thought better of it—I mean I’m not a negative person, why would I put such negativity out there in the world? I should be filling the ether with love and positivism that will shape the progression of history. Maybe with just a few kind words I could stop war and famine or rape and incest! Maybe I could get rid of all of the evils of the world with a comment like, “Top Chef is the best” or “I love eating dog food out of a can”.

As I was a philosophy major the stream of consciousness does not stop there. A thought doesn’t simply quit—it continues to grow and morph and take shape into another thought and then yet another. This thought did something miraculous—this thought found its way into the “lobe of justification” in my brain and it constructed a way to change the world without cramping my grumpy style. I don’t have to be “Miss ‘Positivity’ Pants” after all! Through the rule of negativity, two negatives make a positive, right? They cancel each other out. So “viva la rant”, I will stop AIDS and Wet Willies with the pads of my humble fingers. I will type 50 wpm and change the world a little at a time.

That being said, I do have some good things to say about last night’s episode—I had a nice meal with my favorite girls. I mean, it’s much more enjoyable for me to have humans as my audience for my shenanigans (I usually make my dog and some pillows with faces drawn on them sit at attention for my lengthy monologues).

I’m glad they had “TGIFridays” there—otherwise this episode would have been total white trash! This episode needed some class and we got it with the “Fridays” executive chef. He explained that food needs flavor—and without that “food isn’t very good”. Brilliant!

Now come on girls, don’t be so catty. I know Padma’s shorts were not your style, but at least they weren’t cut offs and at least she waxed! I mean, she did plan for those shorts. She even got a tee-shirt with a tiara on it! Now that’s sophistication. She probably even wore two inch pumps, so that those cotton shorts from American Apparel (I know, I own a pair) could be worn to a ball!

The best part about the show was a line that our dearly departed friend Emily gave us, we will hold it in our hearts for a long time, it will become our mantra—tee-shirts with tiaras on them will read:

“Not enough sugar? You with your four teeth and wide ass are telling me there isn’t enough sugar?”

May she rest in peace.

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