Top Chef, Espisode...oh, Whatever

What? No “welcome back” party?

I know, I know, I’ve been absent (minded). I haven’t meant to ignore you (yes I did). I just was so busy (drinking champagne). So here I am, at last, ready to get this party started.

Happy new year, by the way. In this new year, 2007, let’s start off with the last episode of Top Chef. I had a Top Chef marathon today, and as I’ve just finished the last one—I’m starting there (episode 7, 7 contestants left, 7 deadly sins, lucky number sleven).

Let me start with this:

THANK GOD ILAN IS STILL ON THE SHOW!

I was nervous. That dessert was a bummer. He should stick with selling watches if he is going to cook like that. It’s hard to screw up a chocolate cake.

To make a mistake like he did with the funnel cake, he should have thought on the fly—throw that item away and think of the components of a dessert:

a) chocolate b) crunch c) cream d) fruit e) garnish

These are necessary components for a plated dessert. All are self explanatory, but in case, I’ll explain.

Chocolate is, well…chocolate. It can be in various forms, but to have a perfectly plated dessert, chocolate should be included on the plate.

Crunch is something like a nut, a candy, a cookie, etc. Ilan carried this off by adding a nut brittle…a nice choice.

Cream is dairy in some form. Any dairy.

Fruit? Well…fruit.

The garnish should follow the dessert—it should either be a more attractive version of what is in the meal (strawberry shortcake should have a beautifully sliced strawberry on top) or it should accent the dish (think nuts on a banana split).

Speaking of banana split, according to the rule, a banana split is the perfect dish—even without the cherry on top.

Okay, so enough about Ilan. Let’s talk about Marcel.

Holy…holy…holy. How does he not get it? He’s really annoying! His presentations are beautiful. That is part of his artistry, but he might need to hold back on some of that genius and try to use it for his relationships. He sucks. I can’t stand him and I can turn him off—and often do!

Those boys ganging up on him are acting a little…oh, I dunno—frat house? I think everyone needs to get laid, personally. They all have a lot of pent up energy that could use some expelling. Anyone willing to volunteer? (Pick me! Pick me!)

Beyond the caveman urge to take out the weakest Neanderthal (has no one noticed the brow bone on Marcel?) I think everyone seems to be doing fine. A little too fine. Just fine.

This is a rather boring season. The way the show is shot makes me feel like everything is staged. In my opinion, it seems impossible to give a contest of creating a drink and a dish and then executing it in twenty minutes. Seems like they do some nice cut and paste work over there at Bravo studios.

And Marcel must be even worse in person than on TV because those, once, grown up chefs, have been reduced to silly little name callers—and I’m most certain that they are much more elegant men than that. (That’s what is called a “not” joke. Look it up.)

The only other real quibble I have with the show are the grounds for execution of characters. It seems to me that the team leader ALWAYS wins or gets eliminated—but sometimes, even the best leader can’t win when there is a wolf amongst the sheep, just ask George Bush (…yeah—NOW you are catching on…all together…”NOOOOOOOOOTTTT”).

Tomorrow: Anthony Bourdain—cook or asshole or cooker of assholes?

Tune in to find out.

.:tt:.