17 October 2006

Rachy Rach on Rachael Ray

A few days ago, I promised a rant on Rachael Ray. I just got out of sketching class early (despite a simple wifebeater taking waaay longer than you'd think to draw perfectly), so it's obviously rant time. Strangely, though, I'm finding myself with a little writer's block. Not because there's nothing to say--nay, because the volume of wrathful insights crowding the "Rachael Ray" section of my brain is so large that it's creating a sort of bottleneck situation. But I'll just start with the most forceful bit o' wrath, and try to slog through til the bitter end. [If you live under a boulder and don't know of RR, read Slate's intro.]

by Rachel Racherson

1. Her raucous, grating, nauseatingly cheerful voice. Oh my god. She comes from Cape Cod, and as a person with Cape-Cod-ean heritage myself, I fervently hope that people on this coast don't interpret her trashy accent as "New England." Nor her habit of yelling out stuff like "EVOO" (extra-virgin olive oil) or, more gag-inducing yet, her trademark "Yum-O!!!" If you yelled out "yum-o" on Cape Cod, you'd get dunked in the deep-fryer with the clams. "Most people want me to shut up," she's quoted as having said. Take a hint, babe.
2. The truly unimpressive food she makes. It strikes me as representing the most mediocre and 50s-inspired sector of America cooking, as well as equally mediocre American-style interpretations of so-called ethnic food. The fact that she endorsed a Burger King sandwich should speak for itself. Just in the past few days, her
30-Minute Meals show has included: "Renaissance of Tuna Casserole" (renaissance? Renaissance?!), "Mac and Jack Salad" (don't even want to know, but it's reminding me of my grandmother's infamous "Velveeta Surprise"), "Barbecued Succotash" (dear god), and even "My Friend Vicki's Mom's Celery Salad" (somebody PLEASE stop this woman). OK, I understand that there are many people--my friends, even--who would greatly appreciate her "Candy Cornucopia Bowl"...but does that really make her idol-worthy? Worst of all, while her big claim is that you can make all this crappy food super-fast, IT'S NOT TRUE! Slate's reporter, uh, reports that her attempt at a R.R. 30-minute meal took almost 1.5 hours. Rachael even admits, PROUDLY, that she's "definitely not a chef." So why you playin' one on TV, beeyatch?
3. Her awestruck admiration of aforementioned unimpressive dishes. The one episode I've watched of her mind-curdling show had her making a tacky shrimp cocktail in a giant martini glass, then positively cooing over it: "Doesn't that look fancy? Gosh, that just looks so good! And it's so easy--but the neighbors will be super impressed!" The woman is delusional.
4. The unwashed masses adore her and she's going to take over the world. She's slapped her name on not just cookbooks, but also
everything from t-shirts (emblazoned with YUM-O) to CD compilations (including "Rachael Ray's 'How Cool Is That' Christmas"). Even dudes dig her--she was voted #92 on FHM's Top 100 Sexiest Women of 2004. The only thing saving me from complete lack of faith in humanity is the Rachael Ray Sucks online community, proving I'm not the only hater out there (my fave recent post: "When Gayle and Oprah finished in NYC guess which over exposed crack ho was there to give them a hug like long lost relatives. Yep you got it Raytard...Oprah needs to be made to understand how this waste of DNA is ruining America." Raytard the crack ho, our nation's darling. Ahahahaha.
5. She uses Comic Sans typeface on
6. Speaking of FHM--that frightening, unsexy photoshoot:

Enough said. I have to go lie down with a drink and a nice soothing copy of The Silver Palate.
> r r <


Anonymous jk said...

well said racherson. i must add though...has anyone seen those shows that she does where she shows you how to dine out on a budget? Have you SEEN what she tips her servers?? c'mon now...pocket change is not exceptable. if you can not afford to tip AT LEAST 15-20% for your service...you have absolutely no right to be dining out. dont take notes from this lady.

18 October, 2006 10:10  
Blogger violations bureau said...

more pix plz thx

18 October, 2006 17:19  

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